thoughts and musings

10.30.09

some people feel love in their hearts, some of us feel it all the way in our souls… (from the book something wonderful)

we miss you pa and ma. we love you.

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10.08.09

angelo passed away today. he is 8 years old if i remember it correctly. he has been a good dog to us. he was the one i am most attached to. i feel soooooo sad today.

if all dogs go to heaven, then he will be forever my parent’s pet…

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8.03.09

been watching kris and how she narrates their last moments with her mom. how close this is and how similar to what we went through with papa almost 5 years ago… the praying by her bedside, being with your siblings and drawing strength from each other… how we would take turns in spending time with papa making sure someone’s awake to greet him in case he wakes up… how we were confronted with the truth that the inevitable is near and how we accepted and surrendered to God’s will…

most of all, how we watched the line falters from having peaks… to waves… to a flat line.

it’s like going through it over again…

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6.11.09

my ninong died of cancer today. just like everyone who has suffered this terrible terrible illness, he lost too much weight and too much spirit. you would again ask why, why, why, this horrible illness would attack good people. why them? and how cruel can the it be? how much suffering can one take?

can one hate something so much???

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5.18.09

i wonder if i can write in here as freely as i used to do knowing someone out there is watching and following me… that’s the price you pay i think for being online and reachable…

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1.23.09

thankful. that’s what i have been these past days. why wont i be? i have been born lucky.

lucky to be given the chance to be born to a family with much love for one another and lucky to be given the chance to be raised by wonderful parents the way i am — not perfect but knows right from wrong, bad and good and knows how to fight for it, get it, grab it and yet knows how to give up, let go, and move on if i need to.

i have been thorugh a lot – a lot of love and a lot of pain, too. i have been lost a lot of times and i know i will be again, in the next years to come, yet i know that somewhere along the way i will find peace and i know that whichever road i take, i know how to trace them back and i will always know how to head home.

33 years. i have been happiest and yet i have been hurt (and maybe i’m still hurting). i have shined and yet i have taken a step back and crave to be on the back seat. i have been given too many chances and yet i blew most of it and let them passby…

33 years and here i am now — scarred but healing, beaten and bruised but still standing, still searching, still wondering what will it be, still finding the courage to take the big leap, still hopeful.

33 years — i am nothing now. really. i am just thank ful.

dear God — thanks to You most of all.

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02.11.08

as i say for me all soul’s day/all saint’s day depress me. oh well maybe dahil na rin sa mga recent kaartehan ko and kawalan ng gana sa maraming bagay. maybe i think this is brought about by a lot of things mostly of missing loved ones whenever you are lonely. you long for them and the longing never make it easier.

the other night a i got an sms informing me that a friend’s mom who is battling cancer for years now has passed away. diba? just what i need right now. another loss to thi cruel, cruel illness. i feel extra sad for this one because the friend is a very close one to me and recently i have evaded his invites to get together because of my current state of emotions. i know he wanted to talk about his mom. but with me being most of the time depressed, i felt i will not be able to give the comfort i know he needed. so instead i just send him sms and im’s pero i know these are not enough. i could have given up selfishness and dealt with my own hardships because afterall, he was there during those times of need. 

am i capable of giving comfort then if i myself is lost?

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27.10.08

malapit na naman ang all soul’s day and all saint’s day. dreadful….

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28.09.08

paul newman died today at 83 after a long battle with cancer. paul newman is one of the few hollywood stars whom we can say stayed to be decent. he stayed married to the same person for 50 years. imagine that! in hollywood this is a rare milestone already.

he announced his retirement last year saying :

“I’m not able to work anymore…at the level that I would want to,” Newman told Good Morning America. “So I think that’s pretty much a closed book for me.”

i heard of his ailment from the radio sometime early this year, and as expected nalungkot ako bigla. cancer is something close to my heart. i know the pains of the loved ones of the victims. hindi biro ang malaman na ang taong mahal mo will never get better as the time pass…

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13.09.08

kanina nalaman ko that someone i recently just met and really liked passed away. she and her family was brutally murdered. her boyfriend is the one i really know.

like anybody, i was totally shocked and deeply saddened sa nangyari. one of life’s “why’s”… i pray that the people she and her family leave behind find the very much needed courage and strength to accept, let go and move on. this will be tough and hard…

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17.08.08

hindi ko talaga alam how to start this entry. alam ko ayaw ko talaga mag post ng mga sad stuff or anything depressing pero sometimes it is what it is. reality eh. mush as we wanted to just move on and fast forward life, hindi kaya. you need to look back and think about it. worse is, sometimes it just come back to you….

kanina was a close relative’s funeral. as expected it is a very very sad family event. being someone who have lost twice in this life and losing the most loved pa, every sad event like this is like a knife that cuts through me eveytime. it is like losing them over again.

they say grief is natural process. it is something you just can’t fight. but you just the same you never really get over it. you just learn how to deal with it.

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15.08.08

read from my favorite blogs of Francis M. being inflicted with leukemia ….. this is really sad news. being one of those who lost a loved one with cancer, i really feel for those whose family member is sticken by cancer. i feel sadness to the core pag meron akong nalalaman na meron nito.

this will be a long and painful journey, but faith in goodness and the Ultimate source of this goodness is what will give you lightness. to the victim, pray a lot… He will help you go through it and to the family members… pray even more.

 

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minsan iniisip mo bakit ibibigay pa sa yo ang isang bagay only to find out na one of these days it will be taken away from you without any explanation. you will figure out yourself kung papano mag cope and how to bring yourself back together so you function as a whole.

someone really close to us died this morning. equally sad kasi we remembered a loved one’s death anniversary kahapon lang. it’s been 4 years since we experience overwhelming loss. pero once you think about it all and once you start to miss them. all the pain that you thought you have put away come back to you. and your the same shattered person you used to be.

sabi nila losing one who has a terminal disease is easier kasi, somehow we have accepted it and braced ourselves for it. losing one so suddenly was more painful kasi nga it was sudden and we were unprepared. pero hindi pa rin… masakit to lose one suddenly kasi hindi mo naman inisip in your wildest thoughts na you will not have her near at all anymore. pero losing one wholm you know you would lose one day is painful too. because you see yourself lose him little by little. masakit pa din.

can you really measure pain? isn’t it that a loss is a loss when it comes to death? is there such a thing as less painful when you lose a loved one?